Cate Blanchett does a painfully amazing job at showing us that being a queen is not a position to be envied and not only because of the heavy getup she has to wear. I believe one of her dresses were actually winged. As if to conjure up a semiotic image of a queen bee? Who knows. Winged dresses, ugly red ramen-noodle hair wigs, and layers of Casper powder on my face? Thanks, I'll pass. What? But she got to kiss Clive Owen, you say? Well, she could have done much more than just kiss him if she hadn't been queen. Like explore other territories. North Carolina, Virginia, Conjugia*...But virgin mother to her people that she is, she has to remain in her palace and protect and fight for her people instead.
Clive Owen is given the most beautiful lines to go along with his beautiful self. No joke: the first time he came on screen, a more than audible sigh swept through the theater audience. I swear there were a few guys that joined in too! Owen plays the explorer Sir Walter Raleigh, who was the one who settled the colony of Roanoke in North Carolina, the one that mysteriously disappeared with not a sole soul nor body left as evidence that a colony ever existed.
The Armada battle scene contained many individual artistic shots, but was overall an antisappointing montage sequence, choppy and not nearly as grand and majestic as we all expected it to be. It came off as perfunctory, the necessary battle sequence preceded by the necessary rallying speech, both of which fell flat compared to parallel scenes from Gladiator, LOTR, etc. Google spellcheck tells me "antisappointing" is not a word. Spellcheck be damned!
*This is a reference to a really funny joke made in the movie, which I won't tell just in case anyone goes to see the movie.
Also, I pulled a major crangie-ism today. Like MAJOR. It's practically unpublishable. There was a Mennonite involved. Sigh. I am incorrigible. Suddenly, I'm feeling punny.
Why do cars sleep?
Because they're tired!
Why do bicycles sleep?
Bicycles don't sleep.
Why is it that dogs bark, birds fly, and children who get their feet wet must take their medicine?
Because Mary Poppins said so.
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