Sometimes I get this:

John: You work at the bookstore? Hey I think I've seen you before! I came in asking for bumper stickers once. I dunno if you remember...

Me: Wh- waitaminute, you're that guy that came in asking for bumper stickers? No friggin' way!

Well, that's my internal response. Outwardly, I just admit that I don't remember. This must be what it's like to be a kindergarden teacher. One day, you're reading "If you give a mouse a cookie" to your little rugrats, when suddenly your storytime is interrupted by the entrance of a guy in his thirties, about 6 feet tall, whatever, saying "Hey Miss C.! Remember me? I was in your class in 1989. I was that kid who ate paste, you remember?"

No fucking clue, man. And I'm married now.

Sticky Superhero

I'm so excited about my Halloween costume! Last year, I was Sydney Bristow's first alias ever, and man was it awesome. This year, (man, it is so brilliant!) I'm Superglue, the superhero with a deadly, sticky, white weapon (boys keep your minds outta the gutter), here to save you from any sticky situation! Keep the image of a bottle of Elmer's glue in mind as you read the following description:

white leotard,
white (footless) tights,
red shorts (underwear would be a tad unseemly, no?),
a superman "S" on my chest,
utility belt strung with Elmer's glue bottles,
white Wonderwoman calf-length boots, gloves (because it's gonna be freezing),
orange cape,
and to cap it all off (heh), an orange party hat on my head
and plenty of booze b/c Dave & Friends are awesome

The Lamest Vending Machine That Ever Was

So I've just had an encounter with The Lamest Vending Machine That Ever Was on the mezzanine level of Stellar-Chance. Everything in there, save the gum, costs 85 cents, so I fed the machine a Washington, thought for a sec before deciding on the Cheez-its (should it be Cheezes-it? Is there a separate rule for product names? Actually, I do believe the plural is "cheez-its" because morphologically speaking, "cheez-it" is considered a single morpheme, kind of like how the plural of "maple leaf" is "maple leaves", but two or more members of the Toronto hockey team are the Maple Leafs. Yep. Wow it is quiet as death in here), and pressed C6.

Would you believe it if I told you that the machine didn't give me my bag of cheez-its because I didn't have the exact fare of 85 cents? Because that is exactly what happened, no joke! What sort of machine from the 21st century, or any century for that matter, does not give change for a dollar? So I rummaged through my purse for change, found a handful, and started feeding Sir "I'm too good for change" a bunch of quarters and nickels and dimes (no pennies; pennies have always been discriminated against by vending machines everywhere. I should stage a riot.), but dammit, the Ungrateful Bitch won't take my change, just plain spit it back out as if it disapproved of the taste of metal. I'm like, wtf? Even Zianja, my old neighbors' baby sister ate quarters like candy...True she also spit them back out, but from the other end, into her diaper, accompanied by gooey brown shit.

Curse you, LVMTEW. I'd write more, but I gotta go home and stop by Wawa on the way so I can get my Cheez-its.

Capricious Nationalities

As a follow-up to Eric's joke which goes like this:

Eric: Before you enter the bathroom, you're...
Audience: American!
When you're in the bathroom, you're...
Audience: (think, scratch head and/or other body parts) Durrr, we give up!
Eric: You're-a-peein'!

Part 2:

Angie: When you're walkin', you're...
Audience: American!
Angie: When you're runnin', you're...
Audience: Gosh...We give up!
Angie: You're rushin'!